It's that time of year again - the one where everything needs done three weeks ago and I'm behind in just about everything. I'm looking at mounds of grading, PhD applications, my own homework, the thesis, and my business... and kink has (kinda) fallen to the wayside. It not-in-the-good-way-sucks because I could use some honest to goodness stress relief. Thank heavens for the Halloween party, or else I'd be pulling hair out left and right.
There has been some fun to be had, though.
The Seven Deadly Sins was a blast in that I've never actually seen a burlesque troupe before. True it got boring after the half, but it was fun with the group I met there and I got to see one of my former students and catch up on a not scholarly level - and meet his wife. Those two are amazingly awesome and I'm hoping to build a good friendship (kink and not) in the short time I'm here. It's amazing to find like-minded people in a conservative place where I'm constantly watching my ass to make sure I'm not in trouble. Life's a bit better when there's good group of people that you can just relax with, you know? The bigger that group gets, the easier it is for me. Angel and Kat are on that list, as now are Alpha and Milli. I'm hoping to meet Spider and her master soon...
After that fun, I was cajoled into going to a MAsT meeting. Now, I'm not a slave. I have a bit of a hard time (read into that as a REALLY hard time) submitting to someone completely due to a bunch of past garbage that's better off in the closet, locked away, fifteen continents over and in a huge trash dumpster next to a rotten can of tomatoes. I like the ability to say 'fuck no' and have it mean something. Maybe it's my ancestor Susan B Anthony in me a bit, or maybe I'm channeling my advisor that's a hardcore feminist, but I don't think that I'm comfortable with the whole slavery thing for myself. I am interested in the mindset, though, even though it knocks at the internal demons. I have the mindset for submission and body service - it's just locked in a negative place because of what's happened to me. That's why, for now, I'll remain in the classification of 'bottom' because, while here, I'm safe. I don't have to look at the demons. I don't have to fall into the negative and hurtful place. I can wait for the Dom/me that understands that I'm not a healthy person and I need a special understanding. I need patience with the firm hand. I need someone who knows to quit suddenly, back up, and let it go for a while. Most of all, I need someone that can recognize what I am VERY good at hiding and whack it (and me) into better shape. Until then, bottom it is.
So, I was really hesitant, albight curious, about MAsT because I'm not looking to be a slave. But, as most things usually happen, it's a carrot on a stick leading into the unknown that might cause something good to happen. I'm ok with an open mind and a bit of thought - and good friends that can watch my ass if I'm in an unknown place. I went with Alpha and Milli where I didn't have a clue what to expect except the topic of conversation - your favorite protocol. Ok, then.
We did speak of many things and I met some very interesting people. We touched on topics of conversation that made me uncomfortable (which is really hard to do), but I felt... at peace. For some reason, be it someone there or the place, or just everyone, I was happy to be on the floor and subservient. I was happy to be the willing demonstration guinea pig (although embarrassed to admit that I'd read her protocol in interest when She was surprised to find that I knew what She asked when She used me to demonstrate Her gesture commands). It shook me a bit that I liked being in that place, and that I had a 'connection' (as in wanted to serve while there - not permanent, but... there was something about the energy?) with one of the Ma'am's there. I didn't like that I didn't have a Master/Mistress to look to, but... who cares anyway? It was very nice of Alpha to keep checking up on me and asking my opinion - I was a bit depressed that I couldn't answer very well because I was in the mode of 'be in the place at that time and think later'. Probably because I was shaken by how much I.... fit? I'm still attempting to grasp it all, and I'm looking forward to heading out again this month to see if it works that way again. I'm just hoping that I can find the damn place. Humph.
Later that weekend (like the next day), I ended up in a not-so-happy place. I agreed to be tied up in ground ties for a local Dom here to practice his rope work. The rules? My shorts stayed on. It was an interesting time for being bound in the first actual constrict binding but I just was NOT comfy. I don't know exactly what it is about him, but I was on pins and needles the whole time and fought back verbally even though he played by the rules and didn't take advantage at all. He brought me through violet wand basics and what it feels like, teased with a frozen rope, bound me up with his jute rope and was respectful with everything he did. I just had the red flag go off the whole time in my head, and even if I'm one of those to heed it, I really don't have any idea why. I think I made him think a bit with what I was saying - he thought I was a switch because I was pulling out a bit of channeled Dom. I'm sorry to say it, because I KNOW he wasn't going to do anything stupid and it would be a good opportunity to be tied, but.... I don't think I'll be back. I heed the red flags too much and they were screaming. Time to bow out, say 'sorry, thanks, but no thanks' and be on my merry way.
A few weeks (almost a month) later, and I'm sitting here still confused about most everything. I'm looking forward to some nice stress relief in a party or two and prospects of just hanging out when I'm not up to my eyeballs in chaos. I guess that has to be enough?
Oh, for anyone interested in answering - I've got a conundrum. I have a costume for my own party at my house (Reptile from Mortal Kombat) that I'm not sure would work at a play Halloween bash. I also have some glow EL wire to go as a program in TRON... Any suggestions as to what everyone would like to see? =)
