The life I made
Everything is wrong every time
Pushing on, I can't escape
Everything that comes my way
Haunting me taking it's sweet time
Holding on, I'm lost in a haze
Fighting life 'til the end of my days
Don't want to be rude, but I have to
Nothing's good about the hell you put my through
I just need to look around
See the light that has come unbound
You're so cynical
Narcissistic cannibal
Got to bring myself back from the dead
~ Korn, Narcissistic Cannibal
It's been one of those weeks. Those weeks when you're so overwhelmed that you don't know what you're going to do with yourself once it ends. All you can do is wait for the end; the release from huge burden that you're collapsing under.
It doesn't help that I have so much work that it is a huge burden - and yet I'm so bleeding empty this week. Numb for no real reason... except maybe on overload and tanking from lack of sleep. Except I've been pretty numb all semester. That, in my mind, is dangerous. Perhaps when I end up on an actual schedule with my ADD meds again it will help, although last time it only kinda did. I really need to get a way to stay on this shit long term instead of on-again, off-again when I can afford the $200 a month for chemicals. Seriously?
*sigh*
At least the monster's still fighting. She wanted to say 'fuck schoolwork!' and go out to our usual practice grounds for glowstringing/poi and dance to attempt to bleed off. Sad that the only way I can release emotion lately is either in a martial arts kata, dancing around like an idiot, or knocking myself silly with poi that I haven't practiced with in ages. Hey, if nothing else, it's getting me up and moving instead of sitting at a desk like a lump.
Anyone else just want to go out in the middle of the night, into nowhere, and just start screaming? Yup, I know, I'm nucking futs.
'The pain, so unexpected and undeserved had for some reason cleared away the cobwebs. I realized I didn't hate the cabinet door, I hated my life - my house, my family, my backyard. Nothing would ever change; nothing new could ever be expected. It had to end, and it did. Now in the dark world where I dwell, ugly things, and surprising things, and sometimes little wondrous things, spill out in me constantly, and I can count on nothing.'
The city loves you
Coursing; rising
With a light from within, that races straight to your brain, yeah
The city loves you
Coursing; rising
As we're here in the now, and pushing forward to mayhem
Because we feel there's so much more to see
But not much left to believe
So we all find our way in life
To chemicals and circuitry
Screaming harder, faster, better, louder
Screaming!
~Grendel - Chemicals and Circuitry
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