Connections, Freakout, and DROP

I'm still spinning from the party aftermath.

Seriously, could I possibly get any more confused? Really?

Sunday, after I finally got my lazy self out of bed (which I had found myself in at 5 am after the shin-dig), I was on cloud nine all day. Beautiful skies, relaxed, and just hung out with very little to care about. =D Sunday night, though, was a nightmare.

Literally. Actually, not much of a nightmare on the scale of mischief and mayhem that nightmares can be - in fact it probably would be a really good dream for most of my kinky friends. There's a party coming up this weekend and one of my usual rope partners asked if he could tie me to the Sybian. If you know what a Sybian is, you understand why most kinky women would be THRILLED at the chance. Me... not so much. A Sybian is a box/sex toy/machine specifically designed to make women cum. As the folk lore goes, the guy made it for a frigid wife that never had an orgasm before, so it pulls out ALL the stops. Don't get me wrong, I love an orgasm just as much as the next kinkster. Public, while no chance of escape, in front of EVERYONE, though.... and under control of men... no. NO. FUCK no.

The dream itself was just that - and I was turned on for most of it, until I started to understand what was happening. Then came the panic attack that woke me the rest of the way up and lasted for an hour and a half. It took five hours to calm down to a 'normal' state... and then subdrop took over.

So, yesterday during all of the fear oriented AHHHH!, I posted a mini-version of my history on the favorite kink-friendly place. Thank you, everyone, who responded so positively. I was scared out of my mind from the panic attack and from what could happen at an event. Panic, to me, means either duck and run or fight free. As you can imagine, in a public play party - either of those is not recommended. As I said over there, "I scared myself enough to remember that it's NOT fair for those of you that want to play with a broken doll to not know how she's broken and how much damage she's capable of if something goes wrong. I do my damnedest to make sure of it, but... sometimes even I can't stop myself in time. This upcoming event might just be one hell of a fight."

As far as today and the subdrop - I have to admit not having experience with subdrop before. Normally my play is pretty superficial - a friend of mine brings out rope, ice, or some device. I enjoy the sensations - sometimes space out a bit in bliss, thank them, and away we go on our separate ways. This time, though, it went much further than that. I fell fucking HARD. As in, if I didn't have some of the walls up that I do, she could have done just about anything at all and I'd have taken it with a grin and a 'may I have another?' Perhaps faceplanted is more like it. I REALLY want another scene with those two, but now I'm more afraid (wary?) of the direction my head's going. I mean, it's all nice and dandy to get connected to someone - but if they're taken (although poly, although taken and happily), I do NOT want to get in over my head and end up worse off. Incel is bad enough, it doesn't need to be confounded by drop and emotional shit-piles.

And then I end up waking up this morning from ANOTHER dream (wtf subconscious, seriously?) where I'm cuddling up to those two in-sleep - all peaceful and happy. Then wake up alone at home. Insert frustration here.

It is looking like they are interested in a repeat performance of Saturday's scene - so maybe the party coming up won't be too bad? *crosses fingers*