Mardi Gras on St. Patties Day

There was one heck of a party this past weekend.

Almost 120 people were on the registration lists (although is was just over a hundred that came... I think), and we had the resort building to ourselves. That meant the rooms upstairs were for those that paid in advance for them (not I, that would have been way too much), and downstairs there were two full meeting halls dedicated to kink pleasure, food, and vending. This was going to be the biggest bash in the state... =)

Negotiations were set - all that was let was for me to get my happy behind up there.

The biggest issue was working in picking up a few surprises I had planned for various friends and playmates, picking up raffle prizes, and getting vanilla work out of the way enough to  not feel terrible if I had to crash the next day. By the time I had made it in, the food was already at full spread, the DM meeting already over (a-whoops - Yea, I had a later shift), and I was left parking at the end of a driveway to lug my crap and all the crap I had brought for everyone else up to the main event. Thank Heavens for Master E, who noticed my very recognizable car and wandered down to relieve me of some of the burden. He was especially enthused by the sword I had brought in - which I really can't blame him.

By the time I had gotten everything in, I had given hellos and hugs to just about everyone there but a few key people. One Dom was already hooking up the suspension rig, several people were strewn about the place, and I had gotten cornered for not having a sheathe for the friggin' sword. Grawr, that was mighty inconvenient, but by keeping it in the bag, that was no big deal. I went off to find myself some of the awesome Cajun cookin' and deliver my first of the night's surprises. =)

First was a niobium bracelet to Ana - it was her birthday bash that last week and I had forgotten it at home.

Next was... a more interesting proposal. You see, the sub that was having so much fun with me at the birthday bash - we had made arrangements and negotiations for a repeat of the scene with a few more edgier ( for me) modifications. In order for me to be able to fulfill my part of the bargain, I knew that I would have to be worked up in advance. I'm an exhibitionist and a self-sadist... and a mischievous bastard. She had said, as a part of he negotiations, that she wanted to take control of me and my pleasure. I didn't know if I'd be able to handle the whole proposition, but I had played pass the remote before... so I jumped in the deep end this time too. After a hug and a grin from her, I mentioned I had a surprise for her.

*questioning look and grin* "It's not an orgasm is it"
*wince* "Not quite. You wanted to be in control, right?"
"......?"
"Here!"
".......? What's that to?"
"Let's just say it's currently a remote to me."

I handed her the wireless remote to an insert-able vibrator. Now, before we get all squick!-ish, no, it wasn't going to give her that orgasm that she was looking for. I might have a thing for exhibition, but with all of the social anxiety, I'm more likely get struck by lightning than to hand over a controller like that at a party so huge. Instead, this little beau would remind me that there is someone there with the control - and that those vibrations would remind me that someone's thinking of using me. Insta-horny!

Unfortunately, she didn't figure out how to use it until halfway through dinner - which she had left it on and I couldn't focus very well on food. The couple across from me was starting to wonder why I was spending so much concentration on 'saying grace' as they put it later. XD

Finally we worked out our issues (so to speak), I got to eat, and then change into my costume for the evening.

This would be where I acquire a stalker. Lucky me? Actually, it was lucky for me - she got to learn how to lace up a corset and I didn't have to do it myself. 

After a bit of teasing, a touch of torture and torment, and my remote operator deciding to wander on over and put me through my paces (and a kiss), I finally ended up fully in-costume and ready to go!

To puppy education. My family has St. Bernards, and I helped train them basic commands. Human puppies are quite a bit more feisty, although sometimes you get a good puppy that only wants to please master. We had two pups this training round, both of opposite personalities. Even with pup treats (peanut butter cookies in dog bone shape), it took our male pup a bit to get his bearings and quit acting up. For me as a 'trainer' and 'instructor', it was enlightening. I'm not really a top, although I can, have done it, and enjoy it in some cases (Mmmmmm knife top). For pup training, I think I need more confidence and some more experience with pups playing before I offer obedience training again.

Next scene of mine was my FAVORITE of the night. A master around here does amazing needle work and I've been trying to get pierced again since my first encounter in July (someone else's account of it... XD) and this master does artistic needle play. I HAD to jump all over that - so I did. I've always wanted wings. 

27  18 ga needles later, I had wings.

I remember the first few needles she set being uncomfortable, to the point of "OMG, I don't know if I can handle all of them!" After those, I started to wander off into needle-space and life was fan-flippin'-tastic. =)  I remember hearing the people around me talking, I remember Bri and her Master getting up to scene from watching me get poked, and I remember the sub with my remote being the good DM and checking up on me even though she was really squicked. After what seemed like not that much time to me (although what probably was quite a while), I even remember her and her Dom hopping on a cross and having one hell of a flogging scene. Me? I was flying.

After the main wings were set, she asked if there was anything else in her kit I would like to adorn myself with. I was so far gone, I would have said 'sure' to having more needles. She placed a really pretty butterfly on my chest in 22 ga... so I ended up wandering around for a few hours with 28 needles. I'm proud to have stretched myself that far, and I am eager to try more and more challenging designs in the future.

Once the wings were set and I got my bearings, I got jumped by a friend who had suddenly acquired my remote from the control operator. Lucky me? I think I jumped about a foot when it turned on without the original sub around and I know someone got glared at. =P

First on the agenda once I wasn't wobbly from the needles combined with the remote was a 'topless walkaround' with a young switch who is very attractive but uncomfy with her body (hence the walkaround - natural walking tour of the space to ease her into being comfy). Then I ganged up on another friend that was experiencing needle play for the first time (chest pokage!) with her master to show her the ropes of what feels REALLY good. Her master's a sweetheart that means well, but he kind of forgot that I had needles in my back and grabbed my shoulder. *whimper*  Play with her broke up about then while I went to check on the wings and make sure I didn't tear anything.

Then those amazing friends of mine? Bri, her master, and a few others? Sat me down backwards in a chair and performed an 'experiment' with ice and the feathers. I admit, that experiment had excellent results that would probably be repeatable. *LOL*

It wasn't long after that I had to get the needles removed - the Whee! was turning into Oww! Taking them out is just as spacey as putting them in. =) Apparently the master had hit a vein on the way in that was plugged until we released the pressure because one of them started to REALLY bleed. The remote control operator? I felt sooo sorry for that gal when I had to warn her that there was blood all down my back. The look on her face once she realized I was talking about me when I warned her mid-hug. =/

Unfortunately, I had to turn down a few offers of play after that because of the wounds - like a knifeplay scene and electrical play. The scene I was anticipating with the couple didn't happen either because of how heavy their flogging scene went and how tired the two of them were afterward. Honestly, it was better that they admit defeat and go to bed than string me along and then only half-ass it. I'm going to try to make that scene the best I can do for them dammit... and I'm hoping that they're thinking the same thing.

Perhaps a rain-check for this weekend. Muhahahahahahaha!

Connections, Freakout, and DROP

I'm still spinning from the party aftermath.

Seriously, could I possibly get any more confused? Really?

Sunday, after I finally got my lazy self out of bed (which I had found myself in at 5 am after the shin-dig), I was on cloud nine all day. Beautiful skies, relaxed, and just hung out with very little to care about. =D Sunday night, though, was a nightmare.

Literally. Actually, not much of a nightmare on the scale of mischief and mayhem that nightmares can be - in fact it probably would be a really good dream for most of my kinky friends. There's a party coming up this weekend and one of my usual rope partners asked if he could tie me to the Sybian. If you know what a Sybian is, you understand why most kinky women would be THRILLED at the chance. Me... not so much. A Sybian is a box/sex toy/machine specifically designed to make women cum. As the folk lore goes, the guy made it for a frigid wife that never had an orgasm before, so it pulls out ALL the stops. Don't get me wrong, I love an orgasm just as much as the next kinkster. Public, while no chance of escape, in front of EVERYONE, though.... and under control of men... no. NO. FUCK no.

The dream itself was just that - and I was turned on for most of it, until I started to understand what was happening. Then came the panic attack that woke me the rest of the way up and lasted for an hour and a half. It took five hours to calm down to a 'normal' state... and then subdrop took over.

So, yesterday during all of the fear oriented AHHHH!, I posted a mini-version of my history on the favorite kink-friendly place. Thank you, everyone, who responded so positively. I was scared out of my mind from the panic attack and from what could happen at an event. Panic, to me, means either duck and run or fight free. As you can imagine, in a public play party - either of those is not recommended. As I said over there, "I scared myself enough to remember that it's NOT fair for those of you that want to play with a broken doll to not know how she's broken and how much damage she's capable of if something goes wrong. I do my damnedest to make sure of it, but... sometimes even I can't stop myself in time. This upcoming event might just be one hell of a fight."

As far as today and the subdrop - I have to admit not having experience with subdrop before. Normally my play is pretty superficial - a friend of mine brings out rope, ice, or some device. I enjoy the sensations - sometimes space out a bit in bliss, thank them, and away we go on our separate ways. This time, though, it went much further than that. I fell fucking HARD. As in, if I didn't have some of the walls up that I do, she could have done just about anything at all and I'd have taken it with a grin and a 'may I have another?' Perhaps faceplanted is more like it. I REALLY want another scene with those two, but now I'm more afraid (wary?) of the direction my head's going. I mean, it's all nice and dandy to get connected to someone - but if they're taken (although poly, although taken and happily), I do NOT want to get in over my head and end up worse off. Incel is bad enough, it doesn't need to be confounded by drop and emotional shit-piles.

And then I end up waking up this morning from ANOTHER dream (wtf subconscious, seriously?) where I'm cuddling up to those two in-sleep - all peaceful and happy. Then wake up alone at home. Insert frustration here.

It is looking like they are interested in a repeat performance of Saturday's scene - so maybe the party coming up won't be too bad? *crosses fingers*

Have a kink-tacular birthday!

It all started with an innocent little birthday bash. Ok, maybe not to innocent. Nor little. But it was a birthday bash to remember!

Kitty and I joined noggins for the planning stages (kinda, as it was overtaken by another birthday girl - I didn't really mind), and as such we showed up about an hour and 30 min before the party was to have taken place. There really wasn't much to do, to my surprise, except sit around and talk to the friends that willingly let us use their home. (which I tackle glomp them, ftw). About a half an hour before the bash, I excuse myself, slip into something a little less comfortable (the costume I had spoken of? Yea... I got it done), and walk out of the bathroom.....

Into just about getting jumped by everyone there. I had a LONG string of complements that evening about the outfit and the body under it that I am still trying to process. Needless to say, I'll be going to Mardi Gras in close to the same little number. =)

I DID end up getting jumped by one of my typical rope partners, who proceeded to tie me to an available box. ;)

Then the party started heating up.. in a good way! Angel and her Master got there - which I proceeded to glomp them the moment I was untied. I haven't seen them in FOREVER - mostly to their bad luck with illnesses and my horrible grading load when teaching. It was awesome to see them again, and I don't think I can thank them enough for making (our) birthday bash more memorable with their presence. =D (Did I mention that we love you?)

Other memorable items from the evening, in no real order 'cause I kind of lost track of when everything went on....

Angel's first suspension (of which I wish I got to see/respond more to because I was helping out a kinkster get the feeling back in her fingers after a bad rope job). Good heaven, I would be the happiest voyeur in the world if I got to see that beautiful lady 'in action' more often.

The tit-tacular zipper! Four of us gals ended up in a LONG zipper. For me, it wasn't that bad for clothespin placement... probably because I have really stiff tits and not much additional skin. I was also on the end that got done last, while another birthday girl was on the excruciating end of being clamped up first.... and then there was a countdown...  ZZZIIII.... to the halfway point and catch. Damn I felt sorry for those girls - they were the ones that really felt it. Finally, IIIIIIPPPPPPPP!  The clothespin on my nipple? Yea, buddy! The rest of them? Didn't really feel a thing. Everyone else, though, was groaning in agony, so I'm assuming I have tits of steel or something.

Nipple Wrestling - I kind of got yanked into this one. The guys were sitting around thinking of ideas when, somehow, they came up with a brilliant idea for a 'full contact' sport. The girls are (at least) topless and sent into the ring. The goal is to grab the nipple of the opponent without being grabbed in return. No biting, no hurting the opponent other than nipple tweaking. Three points, and the girl wins. I ended up in the 'ring' with a loverly gal who was undefeated by that point. I'm a martial artist, to some extent... I've been belted and enjoy a good grapple or two. The problem was, with no mats, there was NO way to do traditional takedowns or anything like that. It was also problematic that I usually don't find myself defending my knockers! Even though I got an 'oh, shit' from her and the audience when we began and I hit an open handed front-stance... even though it took a LONG while for her to score a hit... she prevailed, 3-1. I really need to get back into athletic shape - if nothing else but for nipple wrestling! *giggle*

A little bit of wax - Although there was a HUGE wax scene planned, several people ended up in so many directions that it ended up not happening in the original planned super-suspension-wax-orgy! Instead, because we had more than five pounds of wax melted/working up to being melted, I asked to have a first wax scene since it was already up and going. Oh, my! I was suspended face-down next to a half suspension and another beautiful gal laid out on the floor. I think we had four Doms painting wax all over us, but I'm not quite sure. Considering I was spacey with suspension at the time? I did realize that I'm meh about heat compared to cold... but I'm sure I can work my way into enjoying the heat-pain if given more opportunity.

One HOT ice scene - a gorgeous young lady, attached to one of the Doms around here that couldn't take his eyes off of me all evening (pfft!) decided it was a good idea to mention that my reaction to ice was something that she had a fantasy about. Lucky for her, I'm a service type person (like it was THAT hard? Please!), so I asked her Dom to tie me up and away we went! My reaction to ice is... hm... kind of a drop into sub-space mixed with sexual arousal. Both of their hands, teeth, the ice - I was floating on cloud nine for what could have been hours and I wouldn't have known the difference. I remember being petted, teased, nipped at, wanting 'release' for the sexual tension, cuddled, and flying as high as a kite. I wanted to stay tied to that position forever, stay cuddled with my face into her chest forever, stay there and not have another thing hurt me again unless there was pleasure involved. I don't think I'd ever been that 'connected' with a playmate in that type of a setting. I was safe. (not to say some casual play wasn't safe in other instances - there was just that... feeling, you know?  I hope we can do that one again someday - because it made EVERYTHING a better place. =D

Black, tight, and oh, so fun

So, after all the attention to wardrobe, hectic mental functioning and frantic prep work for everything in the world... (and a $700 hospital bill from the stair incident)...

I have a corset! Based on suggestions from a few people over on our favorite fetish friendly website, I wandered my happy behind over to Timeless Trends and picked out a corset to attempt to re-train on waist curvature. Unfortunately I may have picked out a size too big because it's a touch big around the rib area (although I did attempt to lace in myself - which might be a big factor) but I can reduce my waist by about 4" with the style I ended up with. I have 45 days to figure out if it's the right size - so if anyone wants to poke, prod, and generally annoy me at the birthday bash, I'm hoping to wear it with the hobble skirt then. If I can find the time to actually sew the skirt. And find a cinching garter belt, 'cause the corset doesn't quite cinch the rest of the area that I'd need beaten into shape. Hm.

Anywho! Picture!

Now, the one I WANT eventually... if I can afford it... is an overbust in a rust-brown. Someday! Maybe when I'm not a student that can only afford ramen noodles now that I get to pay off the medical people. Hm.

Pulled Over

I was going to be home by eleven if I could keep up this pace. Driving into the night was always the best option for me; it was about five hours from Undergrad to Current city and I had a full lab day before I could leave. I'm jamming out to Puscifer on my radio, so slow and sexy, when I reach over for my GPS. Correct my driving pattern because I hadn't gotten the GPS in time for a curve - I didn't go over the center line by more than an inch on the driver's side and there was no one in the next lane.

Flashing lights in my rearview.

Oh...... balls.

But... but... but... I wasn't speeding!

Attempt to get over to the shoulder on the right - which is nonexistent. Make my way to the left lane and that shoulder, park with the flashers, and notice a tall, slim, and buff policeman get out of the car. Huzzah. I'm sooo screwed.

"Good evening, sir, what can I do for you?"
"Liscence and proof of insurance."
*rummage rummage*aigajwgbah is this the current one.... yup! *hand over*
"So, where are you coming from?"
"[Undergrad]"
"And going to?"
"Current city"
"Ma'am, I've pulled you over for several reasons. The first being that we've had calls in about a drunk driver."

*blink* Shit, what?

"That's... amusing. I can assure you, sir, that I have NOT been drinking. Not only have I not in the position to have been drinking due to having been in a research lab all day and then having driven for about 3 hours already, but I have an allergic intolerance."
"So what were you doing in [Undergrad]?"
"I'm a graduate student at [Grad school]. My thesis project is based out of a lab up there, so I travel back and forth to work in the lab on the weekends and go to school during the week."
"What's your thesis topic"
[Insert babble about genetics here]
"Do you take any medications?"
"Concerta... a derivative of Ritalin"
"When?"
"Every morning, usually around 9am."
".............. I'm attempting to figure out why you were weaving."

Pfft... reaching for something, ADHD, and sleep deprived. Take your pick of a combination.

"Whelp, I do work long hours in that lab. Sometimes 19+. I'm a grad student. I'm sure you can imagine I'm sleep deprived."
*ticket writing process*
"Go into that stop and take a nap before you continue your drive, ma'am."

*sigh*

So, yea, I'm out $115 for a traffic ticket that I have NO idea why I actually got it. Weaving? Yea, I don't actually remember weaving at all to piss off a person to call in before missing that turn timing. Grawr. At least it wasn't actually DUI - that would have been A) Fightable because I DO NOT drink and drive - I don't even drink! and B) A tank to any future endeavor. BLAAAAAH.

I still don't wanna pay up, but it's better than driving 2.5 ish hours up from Grad school to fight a ticket. *sigh*

Meme Party Mayhem

My house tends to be rather nuts.

J has her birthday today (Huzzah!), which means we had another insane party at our place this past weekend. I didn't expect to be able to go, but students kept me in office hours for way too damn long, so it was pointless to drive up to the thesis lab site that evening. In five minutes I had to come up with a costume for the theme of the party so I could be the DD and party control. Hmmmm.... internet memes?

Box Gundam!
I can't find a big enough box.

A Wild X Appears!
Meh, how would I pull that friggin' off?

I Fucking Love Cocaine
Nah, not enough snow.

Feel Like a Sir
No top hat or monocle.

Not A Fuck was Given....
..... that might work......

My Little Pony IRL
.
.
.
YES!

So I grab the cyber dreads, the black eyeliner, the wool dread-heads, the goth wear, and the stash of ponytail holders and get to work. Unfortunately, there are no photos of the end result (dammit), but it was rather epic - except noone got it. If I were at a kink party, I have a feeling everyone would have raised eyebrows and the Dom/mes would have grabbed the bit gags. Seriously.

I have long and thick enough hair that with four ponytails in a row down my head and the multi-color dreads accenting, I had a full mane that would make a Frisian proud.  Bell bottom black pants, the wool anchored as a tail, a black heart painted on my cheek. Yes. I was a fucking pony and was ready to go show off. Pet would have been proud.

After the party ramped up and I got the 'what the hell ARE you?' out of the way, I had so much enthusiasm and energy I ended up prancing around the house... and got requests to snort, stamp, and generally act like a horse. I've done so much horse work cleaning stalls that it was easy and entertaining. =)

Unfortunately, there was some problems at the party as well. We had a few over-drink (which isn't surprising), and a few of them we didn't know how to handle because they're usually in the 'I'll only have one or two and stop' category. I was unaware the housemate that's attached with someone (I'm calling him Boyfriend) in my lab has an open relationship and he's one that we didn't know how to manage. I was out of the crowd control gig the moment I had to step out and away from the party because of what he did......

*sigh*

There are two or three women in the GA crowd that catch my eye and I'd be after them in a heartbeat if I stood a flipping chance. One's a vagina-phobe. I'm serious, she's not homo-phobic in any way, shape or form - she doesn't care about that. She's scared to death of vaginas and loves penis way too much, so she'd never hook up with another girl. Mk, no problem, we'd clash personality wise anyway, but it's still a fun daydream to think of a one night stand.

Another one is straight, although she has sisters that are all gay or bi. *shrug* She was also taken... or up until recently, I found out while she was toasty. No big deal, I can dream and hold in my comments when she's holding the Hitachi wand against her back for a massage (No shit, she did this while drunk at the party. Then had the nativity to NOT get it and try to get me over there with a "come on, ***my name***, it feels so good!"). She's a tease when she's drunk, but it's manageable and I can usually control myself enough to STFU.

The last one's straight (so I think?) and native beyond the beyond. Blushes brick red around any form of suggestive activity... you get it. She lives her life in her bubble of work, but she has enough common interests with me that it's always a fun conversation. God damn, what I wish I could do with this one... and she can move/dance (martial arts, dance training, etc), so she's also one hell of a tease. I don't have the close fiend tie with her like I do with numero dos, so I'm harder to control around this chiqua. Usually I can manage.... although the urge to join spin the bottle with number two and three was almost my downfall at the last party. Instead I played voyeur.

Except Number three got drunk this time enough to let go. The usual Tool tried, but he couldn't get anywhere fast 'cause she knows how to put up with his shit. I'm keeping tabs on the outside when I hear Boyfriend and Number three are locked up in a housemate's room - which I think is no big deal 'cause Boyfriend is taken and Number 3's almost a saint, or at least a prude. Yea, no, housemate, Boyfriend and Number three are actually talking about 'options' because of the open relationship. They come out (no one knows what was going on except that clothes stayed on, so no big deal). I'm talking to Number two about her hitachi experience in the kitchen with Number 3 in presence.. until Boyfriend comes up, whispers in Number 3's ear, kisses her seductively, then asks if that was ok. She stumbles back with a dreamy look on her face and says she 'has to think about it'.

I almost fucking lost it. I almost.... almost.... knocked the fucker out. Instead I think I turned three shades of white, two of pink, then strolled out of the house.

It wasn't the poly aspect that got me... I know people that are poly and happy and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. Hell, if I were at a kink party, it would be normal and I'd be absolutely peachy. That's the thing - it wasn't a kink event and Number 3's not kinky. JealousMonster! decided it was time to let out the rest of the monster and I had one hell of a fight holding on to the reigns on myself. In my mind it was like I'm a starving African child and some overweight bastard walks up to the locked up bag of Doritos, reaches right in 'cause they can, and eats the whole bag. Fuck no. I know I don't have a chance, but you don't have to fucking smear my nose in it. Not when you already have one good thing in your life. Fuck you. Fuck you, girls, for teasing me more than I can stand (although unknowingly), and fuck you, sir, for playing the field of impossible for someone like me.

Yes, I walked out of the party and cooled down enough to shove the monster back in the box. It came out on my face a few times later that evening when Two and Three continued to unwittingly push the 'tease' button throughout the night and I got a few questions from a few other people as to if I was ok... but I kept myself in check until 6 am when the last of everyone got their happy asses home. Three hours of sleep later, I chatted with Number 2 (yea, she's one of my housemates) without a verbal filter (but the mental one was still in check - huzzah!) and I dove myself up to thesis-place in time to get some testing done.

Good God, I could use a drink. Except I have an allergic reaction to something in booze. But I could use a drink. Or a sledgehammer to the head. Or something.

An old corset and a few words

I recently found an old photo from my undergrad days.

I'm standing in front of a white multi-pane door with black accents. I'm in a (plastic boned) corset, black with white flower designs, with my hair down and noir style makeup. I have a mysterious grin on my face - really, I don't remember why. I do remember it was just before heading out to goth night at my old stomping grounds and I had a good friend of mine take the photo.

So, I put it up on the *insert fetish website here* just for kicks. I have more images of chainmaille up there than anything else, and I figure most people are probably getting annoyed with me publicizing my side business. The only real flattering photo of myself I have up is from 2008 - the one of me in the dress and snow. Huzzah. I was also lusting for a real steel boned corset, so I figured I had to make my case that I like corsetry. Or something.

I got a huge and unexpected reaction from a ton of people in the local scene. As in, I was absolutely floored.

Most everyone put up the usual "damn, you look hot." Ok, that's a usual complement for pictures that people are just seeing where there is some sexual appeal. Fetish people and corsets - they go together like a turtle and water. Two responses really got me, though, because they had something deeper to say.

One, unnamed for general reasons, said something along the lines of (paraphrasing) With that shy and sexy smile, I wish we saw more of this side of you.

*blink*

O....k.....
I think I'm letting this out a bit, but I guess not?

The other said (paraphrasing, from a male source) - I don't really see you as a sexual type person until I saw this, but now I can objectify you in a good way.

*mini internal freakout*

That's when the knife decided to anchor itself somewhere in the rib/lung area and I had to flee from the site for a while. Why? Well, it's difficult really to pin down. I guess it's because I AM  a sexual person times ten bagillion and one. My libido (and attitude on sex in general) is like a 15-16 year old boy in a strip club.... which is why I keep it shoved in under a rock somewhere on the west coast.

I'm NOT a good person. I can't be trusted to keep my damn hands to myself, and I most certainly can't be trusted to keep in the acceptable limits spectrum. That 15-16 year old boy? He's been in the weight room and is more than willing to overcome the next beautiful woman that passes by. I fight, struggle, coerce, and generally beat the crap out of that part of me so it stays in relative submission and I can function like a 'normal' human during the day - but sometimes bits and pieces come flying on out at unexpected moments. So, after a few scares and a lot of self-loathing coming from the 'normal' person in here, I linked the sexual to the perverse. Not that it's a BAD thing to be perverse... it's just the extreme part of myself that I loathe to see loose control in ME.

It doesn't help that the 'sexy' in me is fleeting at best under the strain and pressure I hold myself to in order to not let anything 'unacceptable' show. Toss in the geek, throw in a 'fuck off' written on my forehead when I'm uncomfortable with myself and my thoughts... it's no wonder I'm still on the singles market.

But my submission, with someone else in control, I don't have to worry about that other personality... for some reason it disappears and I can relax. I rarely have to beat a tiger back with a stick when I'm being beaten, or iced, or *insert favorite torture here* ~ although I make sure to negotiate no sex.

Dammit, I rambled on again.

Anyway, if they want to see the relaxed sexiness? They can either wait until I get a better tiger cage or they can let me get it out with some activity that I can control. Dancing (as in stripping), I can control myself. Normal interactions - I haven't even tried out of fear.

This birthday party, after these requests, is going to be like throwing the rest of my head to the sharks. I'm just hoping for no panic attacks to sneak up from my past...