Life's a little screwed.

This semester has been an absolute mess. As in, I don't know if it's salvageable to a point where I know I'll be able to apply to PhD programs - type of mess. Sadly, it's my own idiocy that did it (yet again).


Say what, you say? Whelp, let's start at the beginning.

I started the year in financial difficulty because of my lack of being able to account for money. In short, I'd waited too long to move completely out of my old apartment into the house (spending money in the form of rent in the process), didn't save enough from my job to really get much done, and had to take care of an unwanted dog that my family fostered on me (as in it was you take him to put him down or you take him away.) So, I entered the year with a lot on my plate, little done on my thesis, and no money whatsoever. Oh, did I mention that my student loan took a month longer than it should have to go through?

Other than the 'normal' issues caused by financial difficulty, I also couldn't get back on my ADHD meds for the year.

Let's make it clear - I'm not on much. But that minimum dose? Keeps my head (mostly) in the real world and lets me function at a level where I'm not lost all day in a haze of 'lump' ness. As in, without I get jack shit done because I'm escaping into another mental-land. I really wish I didn't need the meds to stay here, but... it's better to be on them and at least (sometimes minimally) functional than to sit like a log and lose time. As in days and/or weeks. Yea.

And I had started back up on smoking, which (although feels wonderful because I like to hide in the fog of nothing) is even more detrimental to functioning human instead of blob. Ok, so, mental insanity. Yup.

I didn't get an appointment to get back on the meds until October.

Classes were pretty much peachy although I didn't get the chance to go up to work as much as I really needed to. Up until I lost it, that is. As in became so lazy and lost in mental-world that I didn't do an assignment and was REALLY far behind on grading my kids' work. It wasn't that huge of an issue, though, 'cause the assignment I made up with in spades with extra credit quizzes. No biggie.

In the meantime, I was supposed to be working on PhD applications. Yup, I'd get around to it.... eventually.

Then there were two 10 page single spaced papers due before thankgiving for the same class. Eh, I could work on them over break and get them in a little late, right?

So now I sit, several days after the final, with none of the 2 papers done, PhD applications due in three days (I sent the GRE scores but not the transcripts and I still need one letter of recommendation from somewhere  - probably out my ass) and no idea if I can actually get anything worth managing done TODAY so I can go to Findlay and attempt to talk to my adviser up there and hope she's not pissed at me to the point of denouncing me. What I want to do? Crawl under a rock and let mental oblivion take me into escapism bliss.

What I'm going to do? Get off of the damn games and books that are pointless to read 'cause they're fantasy and get my ass in gear. It's time to write (and work) my ass off - because I just sunk myself again.

Funny how I keep doing the same goddamn thing to my life.