Ok, so topic. Yea, what was I thinking about?
Connection. That's it.
So, you meet someone. There's a spark. You know, an electric current or something - what you think of as a 'bond'. [Random tangent, I'm thinking hydrogen bonding here. Bueh?] You know the feeling, right? The world shifts three degrees to the right, you have a jolt, and the next thing you know, you're on your mental ass. No rhyme or reason to it, but it's there. You /hope/ it's mutual.
Bit of flirting (or play, or whatever), next thing you know, you're getting emotionally attached. WTF? You try to keep some logical perspective, you try to control yourself, but sometimes it gets away from you. Logic doesn't always win. Hell, I'm sure there's people out there that go based on that gut shit alone. I've done it before, much to my... erm... later dismay?
Here's where the question is.
How much do YOU trust something like that (that internal spark thinger in yourself)? How do you HANDLE something like that? Is it worth it?
I guess I've been bitch-slapped too much or I'm going back to being an all-logical creature, 'cause I'm not ready to completely trust that fucker again. What does that connection even MEAN if you don't know someone? Oh, my biology is telling me my clock is ticking and I need someone to get into my pants. (read that as sarcasm poking fun at what's going through my head in my own situation and also poking a hell of a lot of fun at how 'logical' I can be sometimes when it's not what I think I want in the end? - biology ahoy.) Ok, so, not completely. I actually am attracted to you. Great. So........... um............ who are you again? Why the fuck is it that I have to restrain myself from jumping you when I should be all cool 'n savvy 'n under control? Oh, no. Not again. Fuck this. No WAY. THUD Now I'm stuck in I-donno-what-the-hell-ville. One side of my head s jumping off the emotional bridge already without checking that there's a bungee cord attached while the actual thinking side had one eyebrow up, shaking her head and starting for the back where she keeps the hurricane plywood.
These questions come about mainly because I'm stuck in fifteen rocks, a boulder on my shin, and a log thoroughly plastered to my chest. I've had that electric current before. I've been stuck in it in a few directions at once. It hasn't gone so hot on a few occasions. There's the 'I have the current! AWAY!!!!' and it's not mutual. Or I'm too chicken shit to do anything and THEN I find out it's not mutual. Or it's mutual but I'm still too chicken shit to do much because IT COULD HURT OMG. Or, hey, all signs are that it is mutual... just kidding! Then there's the worst - people get hurt when the mutual doesn't happen. Either side can be brutal from my perspective. I'm either already invested and then have to deal with emotional shit that I REALLY don't do well with (rejection, which leads to guilt because I did something so wrong like become an annoyance by being emotionally attached/it's ok, they deserve the best and I ain't it/ self-loathing and self criticism/yea... keep going. It may or may not be TRUE, but that's where the emotional half of my mind goes. The logic has a fight about then.) or I feel like shit because someone else is and I'm just not there. I know what that's like on that other side, so I feel guilty, which leads to 'what the fuck did I DO to lead them on and how can I fix it..........' (again, may or may not be true. Mind inserts a lot of crazy shit, j0) Let's just say I don't do well in any of these scenarios. If there's ever multiple scenarios going on at once? Good god, I need a padded room, a muzzle, and restraints.
Me, I'm an emotional retard anyway. (pardon the phrasing, but it's meant as I have a deficit in being able to handle them. I mean it pretty literally.) I don't handle emotional context in regards to myself very well. I'm GREAT at seeing everyone else and their relationships/how they feel/outside empathy- for some reason I can help people. Got that shit down pat. But interactions with me? Yea, fucking blind as a bat and I don't trust what I do see. Then I have a tenancy to, if I so choose to let any emotion come into a connection, drop HARD.
Actually, while rambling, I keep coming back to an internal question that I have no good answer for.
Is any of it worth it?
I suppose I betray how negative and hypocritical I am. I can see 'yes' with most everyone else. They can handle other people well enough (sometimes with help from the peanut gallery) that they can find.... something. Happiness, or... well, I don't know what they find, exactly. For me, in my head, I have yet to find evidence that negates the current screaming 'no'. I can't control other people, sure, but I can control what I do. Where I go. To an extent, how far I'm willing and how fast I'm willing to go somewhere that's going to fucking hurt.
I'm thinking (again, finally, THOUGHT! Took you damn long enough.) it's not a good idea for me, the simpleton wonder, to jump in with both feet on something when I have no idea what the hell is going on. So, for now, the Certari is going to attempt to go glacial and slow the fuck down. To a CRAWL. I give up on this spark thing... I give up on the random REALLY DEEP PLAY - connection with play partner I have no idea about! - OMG thud! I think I'm going to choose logic when it comes to interpersonal relationships. A bit more superficial in the play market. I have been forcibly steered in that direction lately anyway, so I'm acknowledging it and keeping it in the forefront, dammit. The spark is great for a direction to say 'hey, my body likes you! My mind is gonna take five (months or so?) to catch up and figure out where we all are in this mess. Mk?'
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