Cry, Baby

No matter how many times that you told me you wanted to leave. No matter how many breaths that you took, you still couldn't breathe. No matter how many nights that you lie wide awake to the sound of the poison rain. Where did you go? Where did you go? Where did you go?

I walked in the door and was slapped in the face with a cold wind. You - lightning in your eyes, thunder in your voice, and the cold wall cloud to protect your core. I saw some of the beginnings, but I didn't know it would end up like this. I wasn't there for the forecast. Storm warning: hurricane. As we start to leave, the rain began to fall in you for a moment. Still building. Me, I am rage and fury. Tighter, denser.

As days go by, the night's on fire.

Three hours to get you there. I knew not what to expect when we GOT there, other than what I knew what was in that car. A hurricane spouting and feeding a tornado. There was a tamer for you where we were headed, that was true. I was hoping, no, praying that the feeder current wasn't going to be. You needed the tamer. You needed your promised release. I needed.... something. Something to eb the controlled rage, the pinpoint area that could be destruction. Tame myself, calm it, just get us there.

'You know, if you don't get that anger off of your face, you're going to scare someone.'

'If it helps, I'll scene with you. It's probably foolish of me to offer, a sacrifice, but I think I can handle it. I know I can handle pain.' [If what you need is to hurt someone]

No matter how many deaths that I die I will never forget. No matter how many lives that I live, I will never regret. There is a fire inside of this heart and a riot about to explode into flames. Where is your God? Where is your God? Where is your God?

Do I trust myself with that statement? Am I living a lie? I rage, nowhere near as much as you in truth, but I do rage. He is only worth my rage by now. Blind fury.

But, at an aside, without that rage, regardless of everything - do I trust how I would react in a scene with you at any time? Do I KNOW how I would react? It's been a very long time and almost another emotional life for both of us. No, I suppose I don't know how I will react. That's why I emphasised a lot of negotiation. Stalling. Building myself into a new skin. Rules to be set again, better this time. If I don't give you my all in a scene because of doubt and how much I've changed... Do I really want to throw caution to the wind and give it my all again, like last time? Like the first time? That one hesitant kiss that started it all for me? I.... I really don't know. I don't know where I'd be.

A scene as a bottom to me - not just play, but a true SCENE - is something special. I don't let myself go, connect with people that often. I'm vulnerable. I'm open. The ones that scene with me see into a part of me that is really hard to relenquish. For a short time, I'm yours to manipulate. I'm yours to destroy, or build in a mould of pain or feeling. Completely yours. I am a controlled sensationist because I have an addiction to what I hide and control... to what I need at the same time as I'm addicted to numbing it. I need to feel. Ice, stingy pain, needles, a hand in my hair or on my back, stroking, caressing... That's when I can FEEL something. I let someone see me, by letting me feel. I am that. Just as I, once, avoided all physical contact with people. Just as when I chose my name, I was called the ice bitch. No feeling; exuding cold. Absolute control. Where will I be? Can I trust where I'll be? Can I trust myself? No, not really... Yes. No. I suppose I'm afraid of that most of all.

Do you really want? Do you really want me? Do you really want me dead, or alive to torture for my sins? Do you really want? Do you really want me? Do you really want me dead, or alive to live a lie?

You had spoken of getting a scene with me. Calm, rational me didn't quite believe it. Past patterns. Past truth. It was not the most logical thoughts that made me believe that you don't want to scene with me. I was trusting what I'd seen before. Spoken words, negotiations, pawned off to another scene or ignored for someone higher on the list. I wasn't what you needed. Not that I blame anyone; it was how it was. No, I lived a lie to myself. I blame myself for it all. I made you uncomforterable. I wasn't worth the ride, the storm. I wasn't what you needed. You always needed someone else, something else. I was never it. Accepted it. You couldn't deal with a woman, with me. It didn't matter now, I could see you needed someone else tonight. I may have prayed for a scene once upon a time. I may have expected something once. Now, no, I think I'll reserve it. I think I'll be safe. Safety is not hoping... not feeling. Reserve myself.

You're my sister and you need my support. You need me to get you there, to the arms of what you DO need, and to accept that it is what you need. You need me to support you, to be there. Stand strong next to you. I get it. I do. I will. I've been there for a long time, now. I accept it, no regrets. I love you, I will support you as much as I can. We're family. I don't have that raw need to play with you any more. The need to be yours. That love was changed, warped, and I've moved into something else. I am something else.

I do have a tornado building, though. I'll take what I can get tonight, from whoever I trust that is willing. I'll find someone - something. Superficial, but something. Some pain or something. Or I won't. I'm not that important right now... I'm a bodyguard. Maybe, with luck, I can destroy. The bigger storm might begin and I can take some solace in what I'm trained for. No, that wouldn't be luck. That wouldn't be wise. Better to rage inside and carve the swath in a small diameter. Bring it in, bring it in. Spin, spin, down...

"You're not helping. Let me deal with it how I need to."

Cold wind again. Yes, I needed that. Adjust and ride it out. Soon, I'll get you where you need to be. Soon. Climb the stairs, I have your back. Clutch the sword.

The promises we made were not enough. Never play the game again. The prayers that we have prayed were like a drug. Never gonna hit the fear. The secrets that we sold were never known. We had to let it go. Never giving in again, never giving in again.

He IS here. He is here. The asshole, the little manipulative... I want to take this sword..... So is your protector, your confidant. I can leave you in capable hands. The hurricane can get what she needs. Reaching land, and winding down. Good. That is all I wanted for you tonight. I... I can spawn off and destroy what little I have to before going back up to the clouds. My lungs. Kill the feelings with cloves. Yea, that'll be good.

She's here? The storm's gone for a moment... I sit with friends.

He's playing with her. He's playing with HER. What the hell is she doing? I will... I will not... I will not interviene. I will give a storm warning when she's done. She's playing with firestorms; tossing sand on the ground, thinking she'll be safe. We watch. I spin and drop, bent to destroy.

It is not my perogative. It is not my buisness. I may worry, I may sit with friends and keep out of the path. But, so help me, I will give in to destruction if he so much as... I tell another the story, your story, the pieces so she can watch out for the blaze with me.

The scene ends. She knows my storm, or has an inkling of how much I'm raging. She trusted the public to keep her safe because she needed to play rough in the flames. A new bunny, he rushes and the cross falls. A snicker from me, and the storm abates slowly. She's ok. Although it knocked at your scene, you're also ok. I will not give in. I will let the storm ebb enough to show her my new toys. Egg her on to swing - an impulse. Pain, good pain, and the storm is gone. I hang on to the suspension ring and relax for the first time this night. An honor to be her first sadistic moment with a victim. Ahh, truth, sweet truth. Let the pain continue, but not too far. I do need to save myself. I have another scene tonight?

I guess I will hope. What do I have to lose? I do know I've been here before. I know what there is. It's different now. It's not reject - just a different truth. I serve what purpose I am here to serve, no more. No less.

He's here? Good. If it comes down to it, I can give in to another kind of lightning. Crackling against my skin. Good.

Tell me, would you kill to save a life? Tell me, would you kill to prove you're right? Crash, crash, burn - let it all burn. This hurricane's chasing us all underground.

"DO you want your scene with me?"

Like that question can push an ounce of doubt in me now. I'd kill myself again, surely. Shoot my own foot off. This time, though, I know where I can go. What's acceptable. I know where you are and where I am. Where I need to be. I need to let it all go for the moments, and pull myself back again once it's over. The only promise is this once. I understand. I understand completely.

And I do trust you.

We begin.

Naked, strapped to a cross, I trust you. I need to abandon fear like I did once a long time ago. I need to trust you to help me. Break me. I handed the tool to you. A bit of glass. Everything, including how far I go, is in your hands.

I surrender myself again, in this moment. I step into the new hurricane. This one isn't rage or hurt, no, it's release. Let it all burn, all these walls and protections and comfort. These thoughts that still burn at my core, eating me alive. The wind is whipping up all of the debris, scouring. I may hate myself, I may hate what I am, but this time, I'll kill it. Let go, let go. The hurricane can chase it all away for this moment. Underground. Flood the streets. This one moment. This one promise. Let it all go, surrender. Submit.

"It's been a long time."

Yes. Yes it has.

How far will I let myself be taken? Where will I go?

To battle is the only way we feel... alive.

Sharp stings and a brush through my hair. Unexpected swat against the sensation, a staccato. Pounding, aching, I don't know how much I can take... but I stretch into it. Stretch myself. Battle the pain and the memories combined, the little voice screaming. Let myself feel the caresses. A moment becomes a thousand, as time stops all together. You give me my voice. The whimpers, the shy glances, me biting my lip. I'm shy this time with my expressive face. I've fallen into the good slave. Take it for you, for me, the line blurred a long time or a short time ago. Somewhere in those blue eyes and grins, smirks, the joy in pain shared. I really can't tell.

'You're beautiful.'

It's an enigma. Reality is an enigma. I don't believe it in my core, but... my core does believe you. I trust you. Am I? Really? No, yes, no, yes, drop. Hypnotized space. Sub space. I must be. Because I believe you. You've said I am. You continue, you want to keep at me. I must be. Am I beautiful? Drop further. Am I really worth...?

You said it again.
I am? I am.
Thank you, ma'am.

So here we are, the witching hour. The quickest tongue to divide and devour. If I could end the quest for fire, for truth, for love and my desire. Myself.

I watched most implements you picked up. Some of them, anyway. This time, though, you reach for glass.... you reached for glass?!? Small panic, fear, the voice starts back up... no, I do NOT do this, I can not...

I trust you. Drop again. Submit to it. Desire, because it's what I want. It's who I am. An exhibitionist forced... repressed... someday to be free. I trust you to take the steps to let me taste what freedom is.

And I explode. That's the quickest I ever have. The hurricane is inside, broken windows - ravaging, moaning, whipping up the tempest to scour away the flagstones. Louder? I don't know how I can, but I do. Somehow. A bit. The shame of it, of me... To begin anew by tearing apart. Three times and I hit the eye of the storm. Absolute calm, absolute acceptance. I am beautiful and I am worth playing with. I'm worth the show. I'm worth my submission. I'm beautiful? I'm gone.

With no warning, the rain begins to fall from my eyes. The other side, the wall breaks over me.

And I fell apart, but got back up again.

I have no idea what... why am I sobbing? I'm broken and confused. My walls, my strength... I do not cry. I do not sob uncontrollably. Someone may have found a trigger reciently, but I gained control of that trigger. Quickly. I don't cry in public. Not here. NOT...

But this time, I weep. In shock - I have no idea how. Fear for a moment, because I can be SEEN. Without those bonds, I would have dropped. You bring me down from the cross, into your lap and I continue to pour it all out. Is it pain leaving me? I don't know, I don't... I'm so confused, bewildered... A hand on my back. You're still here. I trust you... time to let it all go. I have no idea what it is, but it's past time. Just immerse myself in it. Let the rain fall for once.

A voice in my head speaks once. Just once. I've calmed down a little bit, but it speaks. 'You should be ashamed - it's shameful to do that in public. To want THAT.' A clock of debris to the head - It's not going to let me go! In a moment, I realize it wasn't HIS voice this time. It wasn't.... that voice was me. Masculine me, sure, my "strength." But this time it's coming from ME. I trust you enough that I can ignore that voice of me.

Ride it out. Ride the storm. Keep releasing everything. Don't let that voice keep me from being alive - from FEELING. I'm so raw, and yet... still confused. Stunned. Quit questioning and submit to the rain. I was called stoic, but it was all a cover for who I am. Now I'm raw. You've let a piece of the world see... me.

I gain control enough to slow down. Stop. Pull myself back up to when and where I am. The storm's over. The streets are clear, bare. That wall, though, it's time to rebuild. Apologise, because I did not expect to let walls down like THAT. Ever. I did not expect that sand wall, then the brick and stone, to collapse and flood the streets and into my home core. But, through that... all of that...

You're still there. You're still? You're still there.

My sister is still here. She held me. Safe.

Time to stand up. Go back to life. Go back on home, put that face back on. Come on back....

~30 Seconds to Mars - Hurricane, Alibi